This is a simple, practical and surprising gift idea that worked for me. While visiting my mom, I stopped by her local utility company and prepaid her electric bill for the following six months. Even though she was perfectly capable of paying her own bills, she liked the surprise, appreciated the gesture and loved having one less check to write each month!

Final thought: A little creativity can lead to unexpected ways to express your love and caring.

Please send me your stories so I can share them with others.

Be Well and Bring Joy
www.trudytriner.com

Consider hospital cafeterias for quick and inexpensive meals at all times of the day or night. Remember, hospital food served to patients is often chosen as part of their medical treatment. Cafeteria food is different. In the medical facility where I work, the cafeteria food is delicious. I particularly like the oatmeal ($1.65 with raisins, brown sugar and half & half) and often look forward to it while I’m getting dressed in the morning. And Wren, the bright and cheery cashier, helps get the day started with a smile and a personal “Good morning!” every day to every person.

Final thought: While you’re in the hospital, consider checking out the volunteer opportunities. Volunteers from 14-90+ are welcome and often tell me they love this opportunity to help people, make a contribution and meet new people.

Please share your stories with me so I can share them with others

Be Well and Bring Joy

www.trudytriner.com

Beth volunteers at three senior centers because she likes people and she likes to help them.  I’ve know her as a volunteer for several years but really knew very little about her and was so pleased when she said she would be willing to be interviewed about what makes her happy.  And just by asking a few simple questions, I learned so much about this interesting, charming and involved woman who is enjoying her life and helping others enjoy theirs.

Final Thought:  Just asking a few thoughtful questions and listening to the answers can lead to wonderful conversations.

Please send me your stories so I can share them with others

Be Well and Bring Joy

www.trudytriner.com

Thank you for the many lovely responses to the Memorial Day tribute to my father.  Among the messages was one from B.M. in Southern California telling a story, so appropriate for Memorial Day.

In my book, Make Mom Happy By Mail, I tell the story of a 20-year old Jewish American soldier who served in the US Army in the 42nd Rainbow Division during World War II.   The 42nd Rainbow Division was among the liberators of the Dachau concentration camp on April 29, 1945 and this young soldier was one of the first ten troops through the gate. A few years ago, his family did a lovely thing to honor their father, now in his 80’s, at the Jewish War Veterans of the United States Museum, located at 1811 R Street NW, in Washington D.C. and that story, told by his daughter, is in the chapter entitled “It’s not just Mom – It’s not just Mail.” After reading the Memorial Day article, she sent the following message I thought you might enjoy.

Dear Trudy,

I wanted to let you know that my husband and I made a trip to Dachau, Germany earlier this month with my parents!  They were invited to attend the 65th anniversary ceremonies of the liberation of Dachau, since my Dad was one of the first soldiers into the camp (as you may recall). My husband and I were scheduled to go to Kauai the first week of May, but when my parents told us that they wanted to go on this trip, and wanted us to accompany them, it only took a moment for us to decide to change our plans.  It was such an amazing experience being there with hundreds of survivors from Italy, France, Holland, Russia, Poland, Norway, and Israel, and having so many of them hugging my father and thanking him for saving their lives!  We met one couple from Amsterdam who were there in memory of their fathers – both of their fathers were best friends in high school, and were part of the Belgian Resistance.  They were both arrested and taken to Dachau, where they were eventually liberated by the American troops.  This couple thanked my Dad for saving their fathers’ lives, and they are now carrying on their legacy.  I felt so blessed to be able to experience this WITH my father, rather than in his memory!  It truly was a once-in-a lifetime experience that we will cherish forever!

Final thought:  Is there something you would like to experience WITH your mom, dad, aunt, uncle or loved one, rather than in their memory? When my grandmother was on her death bed, she told me, “I always wanted to go to Hawaii!”  If only I had asked her a few years earlier, “Is there anywhere you’d really like to go?”

Please send me your stories so I can share them with others.

Be Well and Bring Joy

www.trudytriner.com

My mom was a bird lover and a bird watcher. I believe she would have said that a good pair of binoculars was one of her favorite gifts.   With the binoculars, from the comfort of her living room, she could watch all the birds that flocked to the various bird feeders and bird houses around her home in summer and in winter.    Living in the quiet country, she could hear their songs and know what birds were in the trees around her house. What birds she saw and heard were often the subject of our conversations.  And, if asked to do so, she could whistle many of their distinctive songs!

While binoculars might not be something one would normally associate with mail, I can assure you that they can easily be ordered online or shipped via UPS in a sturdy packing box.

Tip:  Good binoculars are particularly helpful for shut-ins but also welcomed by seniors who hike, sail or attend the ballet or opera.  A variety of sizes, powers and prices are available at most sporting goods stores.

This week I received a very nice note from N.G., a realtor in the San Francisco bay area.  She wrote what can only be described as a fan letter to her mother who passed away at 96 in 2009.  She said, “She was my biggest fan and I was hers!”

As a tribute to her mom, I’ll print her “fan” letter for you to enjoy.

My mom was a true inspiration and it was very easy to keep her happy. She lived in her own condo – by herself – until the day she passed. What an enthusiastic and energized woman! She was a member of the Walnut Creek seniors, played in a kazoo band and still had “girl friends”! She never considered herself a senior – but more a girl!

I talked to her each and every day – two or three times a day. She loved to hear what was going on in the world. When I called to invite her for a ride or to accompany me on an errand or out for dinner, she could be dressed and ready in a minute!

Mom loved spending time with me and my children. We always treated her with dignity and respect. Her processing became a bit slower – but with patience and understanding, I could discuss anything with her. Discussing American Idol and Dancing with the Stars was so fun for her! She knew all the players and

would laugh about them all.

My children called her regularly which brought her great joy. She was my biggest fan as I was hers. She was a simple woman who enjoyed every moment of her life with family, friends, and everyone she met. Everyone loved her – bus drivers, hair dressers, mail men, neighbors and friends.

N.G’s final tip:  The Secret to happiness with an older adult is to let them make as many decisions as they are capable of making.  Let them be as independent as they can be, then be there to fill in the gaps when they need you to.  Provide all of the love you can as the circle makes a total turn around in the end…First they take care of you and then you take care of them.

On Memorial Day I think of the father I never met who died on March 15, 1944 when his plane crashed after a bombing raid in Germany.  Those who last saw the plane reported the bomb bay doors didn’t seem to close and the plane was loosing altitude.  The plane, a B-24 Liberator, was part of the 576^th Bomber Squadron, 392^nd Bomber group, Heavy.  My father, Staff Sergeant Truman F. Roberts, U.S. Army Air Forces was a waist gunner.  By all accounts, he was a smart, funny and kind young man who loved his mother and my mother.  I’ve always believed he was thinking of them and of me, his unborn child, in his last moments.

Since he died before I was born, it was hard for me to think of him as a real person when I was a child.  What was a fresh and passionate grief for others seemed like ancient history to me.  And, since he was buried in Belgium, there wasn’t even a grave to visit to make him seem real. To his family in rural Arkansas, Europe seemed as remote as the moon and my mother just knew the grave was “somewhere in Belgium”.  As a teenager, I remember worrying that he might be an unmarked grave in an unkempt cemetery so far from home and it made me sad.

In 1982, I married a very clever man who, as a ten year-old boy in 1944, had considered American flyers his heroes.  He bought Liberty Stamps in school, saved tin cans and bacon grease to support the war effort and watched newsreels of American planes bombing enemy targets.  He is still a student of history and especially of WWII.  Not surprisingly, he was fascinated with my father’s story and the year after we were married, set out to find his grave. We were planning a trip to France for Christmas and he thought this would be a good gift for me. I thought this would be the most wonderful gift imaginable.  And it was. But it took months from idea to actualization.

Since there was no internet to help in 1983, he started from scratch.  As a former Marine, if there is such a thing as a former Marine, he knew of a military records center in St. Louis Missouri and thought that would be the place to start.  A call to an information operator got the phone number but it took many calls to reach a real person. At last he did only to be told the records he wanted were kept in another location.  “But I have to warn you, they never answer the phone number back there.” She told him.

After weeks of phoning at every hour during the work day, and as our departure date was getting closer and closer, he tried calling just at the moment people might be arriving for work. It worked!  Someone answered and said “We don’t keep those records here but you can try the American Battle Monument Commission in Washington, D.C.”. Today she would have given him the website, http://www.abmc.gov. But there was no website in 1983 so the search continued by phone.

Thankfully, when he reached the American Battle Monument Commission, a bright and helpful woman answered immediately. She only asked for my father’s name and the state from which he enlisted and was back on the phone in less than a minute with the complete information.  Not only did she give the name and location of the cemetery, including the row and plot number, but offered to contact the cemetery officials on our behalf.  “Just let them know your travel plans and they will make hotel reservations and escort you directly to your father’s grave.” she told us.

A few weeks later, we arrived at the Ardennes American Cemetery in Neupre, Belgium.  It is an amazingly beautiful place with 15 full time grounds keepers to make sure it always reflects the dignity of the heroes buried there.  As promised, they were waiting and took us directly to my father’s grave.  I took pink flowers for the grave.  It was comforting to see his name on the beautiful white cross and to know that his grave was so well taken care of.  I spent some quiet time alone at the graveside, thought about how far this boy from Arkansas had come and wished my mother could have been  with me so we could have been a family of three, just once.  I took pictures for her but it was difficult to capture the real beauty of the cemetery and the reverence and respect of everyone we met there.

So on this, and every Memorial Day, I think of my father and of the other brave young men buried around him in Neupre, Belgium and I’m grateful for his sacrifice and theirs.  And I’m also grateful for the American Battle Monument Commission for maintaining the records of 176,399 American WWII casualties and for their service in helping families find their loved ones at last.  And I’m thankful to my husband for the wonderful gift he gave my mother and me.

One last thought:  Perhaps it would be a gift for someone to find the webpage devoted to someone they loved at American Battle Monuments Commission.  I loved seeing the page devoted just to my father and will attach it here in his memory today.

Please share your stories with me so I can share them with others at www.makemomhappybymail.com

Be Well and Bring Joy

Trudy

Today, May 30^th, is my mother’s birthday.  She would have been 85 today and I imagine she would have laughed and said “Well, I just can’t believe I’m this old but I’m still here!”  She was not one to complain about being old and truly enjoyed every day of her life.  She would often tell me that she had so much to be thankful for.  And those of us who knew and loved her had her to be thankful for.

After she passed away, it was heartwarming and comforting to my sister and me to hear her friends tell of the ways she had brightened their lives.  “She was just always there for me.”, “She would always listen to my troubles.”, “She was always so happy and cheery to be with.”, “I loved to spend time with her because she always made me feel better about myself.”, were a few of the comments we heard.  It was wonderful to hear about the legacy of love and warmth she left with so many.  Since I had lived across the country from her for so long, I didn’t really know her on a day to day basis the way her friends did.

This sense of happiness and joie de vivre was one of the things that made our Make Mom Happy By Mail campaign so much fun.  Once I realized that she liked to be amused and that she liked to laugh, it gave me license to be a little whimsical myself – like the year I sent the color box for her birthday.

I was late with the gift that year and needed something in the mail within the hour to be sure it arrived on Mom’s birthday. I went to Walgreens, my local drug store, and bought everything purple I could find—purple body lotion, purple note cards, purple slippers, purple bath beads, purple picture frame, even purple nail polish and purple tissue paper. I took the purple goodies to my local UPS store where Cindy, the friendly clerk, packed everything tightly into a box with the purple tissue stuffed on top. Mom said the box almost exploded with purple when she opened it! It made her laugh. And, while I’m pretty sure the purple nail polish went unused, it had served its purpose.

I miss my mom today.  I miss the phone calls when I needed comfort.  I miss the wisdom and the love.  I miss laughing together about the silliness of day to day life. But I’m so grateful for the wonderful times we shared and especially for the fun we had in the last 22 months of her life when I had the precious gift of being able to make her happy day after day for the price of a postage stamp.

Tip:  If you’re lucky enough to still have the opportunity to make a loved one happy, do something today to make it happen.  Perhaps just lick the stamp.

Please share your stories with me so I can share them with others.

Be Well and Bring Joy

Trudy Triner

www.makemomhappybymail.com

On Friday, 500 leaders from my company met for an annual learning event.  Our keynote speaker was Luke Visconti, founder and CEO of DiversityInc.  He spoke about the necessity to make everyone in an organization feel included and respected in order for people to make their best contribution and derive maximum satisfaction from their work.  He also mentioned unconscious bias; that is, holding opinions about people that might affect how we treat them, even if we are not fully aware of holding those opinions.  Luke’s speech was well received by the group and sparked animated conversations following the event.

Now, we’ve all heard the phrase, “To the man with a hammer, all the world looks like a nail.” As I drove home that evening, it occurred to me that I might translate that to, “To a person who blogs, all the world reminds them of a blog” because that’s what I was thinking about.

On Saturday morning, as I reflected back on his speech about unconscious bias in the workplace, I began to think about unconscious bias as it might relate to our older relatives.  I remember how utter shocked I was when my mother casually mentioned during a Mother’s Day brunch that she had read Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt.

I had wrongly assumed that because she was old (probably 73 at the time- silly me!) and because she lived in rural Arkansas that she wouldn’t be reading New York Times best sellers.  I was very wrong and we shared interesting books for the next decade, once I understood her tastes better.

And I wonder what other assumptions we make about our older relatives that affect how we treat them.  Perhaps that they can’t learn to be tech savvy.  Perhaps that they don’t understand today’s politics.  Perhaps that they can’t make good decisions on their own.

Perhaps that we know better than they what would make them happy or be good for them. Perhaps that they don’t appreciate good music, good theater or good art.  Perhaps that their wealth of knowledge doesn’t pertain to today’s world.

Looking back, I hope what I said at that Mother’s Day brunch expressed my admiration, not my surprise.  And I hope I’ll always remember to check my biases at the door in future conversations with my senior friends and family and give them all the respect they deserve for the knowledge they’ve accumulated, the lives they’ve led and the wisdom they are willing to share.

Tip:  To learn more about this subject, you might read Ageism: Stereotyping and Prejudice Against Older Persons by Todd Nelson.

While my book focuses on creating happy moments, we all know that life isn’t always happy.  On Sunday, I received the following story from one of my oldest and dearest friends.  We were young together fifty years ago and I remember that he and his dad had some tough times.  Remembering that made this story seem all the more wonderful and reminded me again that there can be love and redemption as long as there’s life.

I’ll print his story just as he wrote it and hope you find it as tender, loving and inspiring as I did.

“Both my parents are past, but I remember my dad in his final days as being pretty depressed.  He was blind, hard of hearing and on oxygen continuously.  I would come and see him in his little apartment and just sit with him and hold his hand. His face was chiseled in pain and fear.  No sense talking, he couldn’t hear.  No sense bringing pictures or a movie he couldn’t see. Couldn’t go for a walk, he was tethered to his oxygen machine.  But, holding his hand was possible and even though my dad was one of the older generation and didn’t care to show emotion; tears often came to his eyes. In those final moments the little things became precious.  Compassion, empathy, affection, sweet soothing moments are burned into my memory of my father’s final days. “

Please send me your stories so I can share them with others.

Bring Joy and Be Well