Patty with Sean-Patrick, Ryan and Liam

As most of you know, for the past six years, I have been suggesting, urging, and even cajoling anyone who would listen to ask their loved ones what my friends now call, The One Magic Question.  It’s a simple question really – just some version of the question I asked my mom when I asked her how I could be a better daughter.  People have asked their moms, dads, grandparents, children, spouses and even in-laws.  The answers have ranged from profound to mundane and have, I’m often told, changed lives just as they did for my mom and me.

Recently, I heard an especially touching story when I interviewed a busy executive mom, Patty, who asked her young sons The One Magic Question.  She found out something simple and profound that changed her life and theirs.  Interestingly enough, Patty was inspired to do so by Marshall Goldsmith, author and leadership guru; the same person whose words set me on my journey in 2005.

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Would you like to give each of the treasured relatives and friends you will see over the holidays something more precious than gold? And would it be even better if it cost you absolutely nothing and might be something that loved one would treasure for a lifetime?

According to Jon R. Katzenbach, author of Why Pride Matters More Than Money, many people would prefer to receive a sincere piece of motivational feedback from their manager to extra money in their paycheck. And you can use this same principle to delight your friends and family.

Some Simple Pointers To Giving Motivational Feedback

What is motivational feedback? It is simply noticing what someone does well and mentioning it to them. If you can link it to the impact of what they have done, even better. And, if you can mention a personal characteristic of that person, now that’s a home run!

Here’s an example. “Aunt Bobbie, the meal you served today was wonderful. The turkey was perfect, the pies were delicious and everything arrived on the table at the same time! I know this takes a lot of time and hard work on your part and I can’t tell you how loved and cared for this makes us all feel. Your love for your family really shines through on a day like this.”

Or it can be much simpler. “Mike, I heard you got a great score on you SAT test. Good work!” or “Brenda, congratulations on your new job. I know you worked hard for that promotion and it paid off.” Or “Vernon, the story you told about your dad was so heartwarming. Those old family stories really make a day special.”

Positive, motivational feedback can make a family day more pleasant for everyone. By focusing on the positive behaviors and attributes of family and friends, you can warm their heart and feed their spirit.

A final word of caution. Please resist, with all your might, the urge to link a lovely positive comment to something negative. “We loved the pies BUT the turkey was a little dry.” Everything you say before the BUT will be forgotten and someone will go to bed thinking, “My turkey was a little dry!” Save any suggestions for improvement for a future conversation and make sure everyone goes to bed with a good feeling about the day and about YOU!

Happy Thanksgiving to each of you.

Happy beginning of summer!  Even though I live in San Francisco about which Mark Twain is reported to have said, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.”, I’m still thrilled when summer starts.  Last week on June 21^st, I was teaching a class and we all decided it would be fun to mark the official beginning of summer at 1:14 PM  with a collective “Woosh!” to send spring rains packing and welcome summer.  Even though we got busy and missed the mark by a bit, we still did the “Woosh” before we left and wished each other a good summer.

During the day, we shared our plans for summer – travel, camping, hiking, family reunions.  When someone mentioned a visit to a national park, it reminded me of The Golden Access Passport I have recommended for years and which I continue to recommend at the drop of a hat. I think I this is one of the most amazing bargains available to seniors.  Past mentions of this have brought thanks from friends as far away as Japan.  It even brought a smile to the face of a 63 year old friend who hates being 63!  She was happy to learn there really are some benefits to being  “more mature.”

Indeed, the Golden Access Passport is a wonderful deal for senior citizens  It costs just $10 (yes, just $10) for a lifetime pass to most U.S. National parks, forests, refuges, monuments and recreation areas, from Denali National Park in Alaska to the Florida Everglades.

To learn more, just read on, see website, or call the number below.  I hope this idea will make your summer, and the summer of someone you love, even better!

Call 1-888-GO-PARKS for specific information or go to – Senior Pass.

Senior Pass Eligibility
As part of the American the Beautiful – National Parks and Federal Recreational Lands Pass program, U.S. citizens or permanent residents who are at least 62 years old can purchase a Senior Pass for a one-time processing fee of $10. This Senior Pass to national parks and lands offers benefits to you and your traveling companions.

Senior Pass to National Parks Benefits

• In National Parks that charge an entrance or standard amenity fee, the Senior Pass admits you and the passengers in your car or other private vehicle.
• In National Parks where a “per person” entrance fee is charged, the Senior Pass admits you plus three other adults (who need not be seniors). This is an especially good deal if you are also traveling with grandchildren, because children under 16 have free admission.
• The lifetime national parks Senior Pass also gives seniors a 50 percent discount on federal use fees charged for camping, swimming, boat launching, parking and tours.
• In some cases where use fees are charged, only the person named on the Senior Pass will be given the 50 percent discount.
• The senior pass is non-transferable and does not cover or reduce special recreation permit fees or concession fees charged by private companies.

How to Buy a National Parks Lifetime Senior Pass
The Senior Pass to national parks cannot be purchased by mail or online. It must be purchased in person at a federal area where entrance fees are charged, or at regional offices of the National Park Service, the U.S. Forest Service or the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. Proof of age, such as a valid driver’s license, is required at the time you purchase your senior pass.

For more information about the National Parks Lifetime Senior Pass, call the National Park Service at 1-888-ASK-USGS.

My mom was a bird lover and a bird watcher. I believe she would have said that a good pair of binoculars was one of her favorite gifts.   With the binoculars, from the comfort of her living room, she could watch all the birds that flocked to the various bird feeders and bird houses around her home in summer and in winter.    Living in the quiet country, she could hear their songs and know what birds were in the trees around her house. What birds she saw and heard were often the subject of our conversations.  And, if asked to do so, she could whistle many of their distinctive songs!

While binoculars might not be something one would normally associate with mail, I can assure you that they can easily be ordered online or shipped via UPS in a sturdy packing box.

Tip:  Good binoculars are particularly helpful for shut-ins but also welcomed by seniors who hike, sail or attend the ballet or opera.  A variety of sizes, powers and prices are available at most sporting goods stores.

Today, May 30^th, is my mother’s birthday.  She would have been 85 today and I imagine she would have laughed and said “Well, I just can’t believe I’m this old but I’m still here!”  She was not one to complain about being old and truly enjoyed every day of her life.  She would often tell me that she had so much to be thankful for.  And those of us who knew and loved her had her to be thankful for.

After she passed away, it was heartwarming and comforting to my sister and me to hear her friends tell of the ways she had brightened their lives.  “She was just always there for me.”, “She would always listen to my troubles.”, “She was always so happy and cheery to be with.”, “I loved to spend time with her because she always made me feel better about myself.”, were a few of the comments we heard.  It was wonderful to hear about the legacy of love and warmth she left with so many.  Since I had lived across the country from her for so long, I didn’t really know her on a day to day basis the way her friends did.

This sense of happiness and joie de vivre was one of the things that made our Make Mom Happy By Mail campaign so much fun.  Once I realized that she liked to be amused and that she liked to laugh, it gave me license to be a little whimsical myself – like the year I sent the color box for her birthday.

I was late with the gift that year and needed something in the mail within the hour to be sure it arrived on Mom’s birthday. I went to Walgreens, my local drug store, and bought everything purple I could find—purple body lotion, purple note cards, purple slippers, purple bath beads, purple picture frame, even purple nail polish and purple tissue paper. I took the purple goodies to my local UPS store where Cindy, the friendly clerk, packed everything tightly into a box with the purple tissue stuffed on top. Mom said the box almost exploded with purple when she opened it! It made her laugh. And, while I’m pretty sure the purple nail polish went unused, it had served its purpose.

I miss my mom today.  I miss the phone calls when I needed comfort.  I miss the wisdom and the love.  I miss laughing together about the silliness of day to day life. But I’m so grateful for the wonderful times we shared and especially for the fun we had in the last 22 months of her life when I had the precious gift of being able to make her happy day after day for the price of a postage stamp.

Tip:  If you’re lucky enough to still have the opportunity to make a loved one happy, do something today to make it happen.  Perhaps just lick the stamp.

Please share your stories with me so I can share them with others.

Be Well and Bring Joy

Trudy Triner

www.makemomhappybymail.com

Weekends have always been busy times so I looked for quick and easy things to drop in the mail.  Since I almost always took a bus somewhere on Saturday or Sunday, one of the easiest things to send was a bus transfer that helped mom visualize my travels around San Francisco. A little note like, “On my way to the art museum to see a Georgia O’Keefe exhibit” or “Off to the movies” helped me share my adventures. This bus transfer, along with other memorabilia from a weekend, went into my Sunday night packet and would arrive in her mailbox by Thursday. By Friday, we’d be talking about the movie or the exhibit or the shopping trip. It made her a part of my life – almost as if I had dropped in for a cup of coffee to chat about my weekend.

Tip:  The San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, http://www.sfmoma.org, is free the first Tuesday of each month.  Most museums have a free day which might be the best day to take a mom or dad to visit.  Or, if you don’t live in the same city, you could check the website of a local museum, download information about the free day and the current exhibits and send it along.

Please share your stories with me so I can share them with others.

Be Well and Bring Joy

Thanks to everyone who responded to the Golden Access Passport tip! I’m happy so many of you now plan to take advantage of this really amazing bargain for those 62 and over. As a side note, I actually saw a smile on the face of a friend who truly hates the idea of being in her 60’s when she learned she could take advantage of this great deal!

She was happy to learn that there really are advantages to being “a bit more mature.”

I even got the message below regarding the Golden Access Passport from a friend in Tokyo. She also included another tip about what can fit into an envelope.

Wow Trudy,

Thanks so much for the tip on the Golden Access Passport. My husband qualifies but I still have a little time. (smile) Providing their website is very handy so I can easily pass it on to family and friends.

By the way, I really enjoy your website. Both my parents have passed away, but I still try to stay in touch with a couple of their close friends. Something I like to do is send them flyers of exhibitions or museums I’ve recently visited. I live in Japan so I know they are very unique being written in Japanese, but at least they can enjoy the pictures! And they love showing their friends — a real conversation piece. I also like to include small, beautiful Japanese notepads, etc. which easily fit into envelopes.

Please keep sharing your useful, practical ideas. They really are inspiring!

Tip: Here’s the Golden Access Passport information – just in case you missed it.

A Golden Access Passport, is a lifetime pass to all U.S. National Parks for $10 for those age 62+. Call 1-888-GO-PARKS for specific information. ( I called this number – very easy to understand. TT)

One of the best senior travel bargains anywhere is a low-cost lifetime national park pass that admits seniors free of charge to most U.S. national parks, forests, refuges, monuments and recreation areas, from Denali National Park in Alaska to the Florida Everglades.

Senior Pass Eligibility
As part of the American the Beautiful – National Parks and Federal Recreational Lands Pass program, U.S. citizens or permanent residents who are at least 62 years old can purchase a Senior Pass for a one-time processing fee of $10. This Senior Pass to national parks and lands offers benefits to you and your traveling companions.

For years I traveled on business to wonderful places all over the world.  My career in leadership development and training has taken me from Paris to Tokyo to Mexico City.  Needless to say, I was always on the lookout for little things that would let me share the trip with my mom.

In addition to postcards, she enjoyed real memorabilia from the trips. So when the trip was over, the ticket that went to Paris or Tokyo or London with me, along with subway maps, restaurant menus, a coin or two, and maybe a local candy bar went into an envelope to her. She said it was an exciting moment when her “Paris or London or Tokyo packet” arrived in Arkansas!

Tip:  Share your world with your loved ones.  What might have been trash to you might be treasures to them.

Please share your stories with me so I can share them with others.

Be Well and Bring Joy

My mom had lovely handwriting and she wrote wonderful letters. She corresponded with family and friends all her life. But as time went on, it seemed harder for her to put together an envelope, a stamp, and an address.  “I just couldn’t find her address” or “I ran out of stamps.  I’ll get some next week when I go to town.” She told me often.

To make it easier for her to write to me, I put address labels and stamps on envelopes for her so all she had to do was write a letter or note and put it in the envelope. I’m sorry to say that shortsightedly I only addressed them to myself.  If I had it to do again, I would have addressed some to her friends Frieda, Lucy, Barb, Kathy, and Pam as well as to her sister Bobbie and cousin Shirley. And each envelope would have been stamped!

Tip:  Look for ways to make things easy by noticing (or asking) what seems to be difficult.

Please send me your stories so I can share them with others.

Be well and bring joy.

My sister, Diann, gave me the suggestion for today’s tip to make your mom, dad, aunt or uncle happy.  This suggestion presupposes that your loved one is interested in the details of your life and that they would really like to be a fly on the wall to watch you go through your days.  They wonder what you wear to work and where you have lunch.  They’d really like to see the people you work with, the flowers in your garden, or the office desk where you spend your days.

If you have a relative like this, you might consider sending your day in pictures.  Start in the morning with your “before coffee” face.  Be brave and take a picture.  Then take a picture of the pretty “leaving the house face.”  Keep the camera handy as you arrive at work and walk into the building.  What do you see on your walk into the building?  Take a picture.  Do you stop in the cafeteria for coffee? Take a picture.  Who do you see first in your office?  Take a picture.  What does your desk look like?  Take a picture.  And keep doing it throughout the day with the last photo being the tired you saying goodnight.  In essence, you’re showing you mom the world as you see it during the day.  And, if they’re like my mom, or my sister, they’ll love looking at every detail.  And they may laugh just because it’s such an unexpected idea.  Remember, to bring joy is our goal.

Since many of our loved ones don’t have computers, they might prefer that you send prints.  Just a quick stop at Walgreen’s to get the photos printed will let you get them in the mail the very same day.

I tried a variation on this theme a few months ago for my sister who is one of the world’s greatest dog lovers.  I took a camera on my Saturday morning walk and took pictures of all the dogs I saw along the way.  It was especially interesting to see the reactions of the owners when I explained that I was taking pictures of all the cute dogs I saw to send to my sister in Arkansas.   The loved the idea and were happy to stop for a quick shot.

“Sure, go right ahead.  Now smile, Tippy!”  or “Now look cute, Bobby.” They told their pets.  It was fun to see how proud and pleased they were that someone else appreciated the amazing good looks and specialness of their best friend!  (It occurred to me that this would be a great way to meet people if you were living in a new town!)

Even if this idea is just too much for your loved one, chances are they would still enjoy just a photo or two of you, your family and maybe even your dog.

Please send me your stories so I can share them with others.

Be well and bring joy